| Hasp Sitting Penn - 4/22/02
Oh my goodness. It still
hurts a little. Ow. Because my partner is brilliant,
we're opening with Honor System in Vegas and it's really
working. We have Jonesy playing live before the show (with
some bass guy) and the show is really rocking. So, we open
with Teller getting in the boxes and I flip the hinge down,
lock it and sit on the box and talk about it. It's a nice
Well, I banged the top down really hard and then tried to
close the hasp. During the audience examination, someone
had bent it. It wouldn't close, I couldn't put the lock
through it. Robbie tried to help, but we couldn't get it
to close. Okay. No big deal, there are hasps and locks on
the side, so I just alibied that and we were fine. Fine.
I flipped the hasp back to the top of the box, so it
wouldn't be hanging there, undone, right in their faces.
So, the bent hasp is back and I'm sitting on it. Nothing
wrong with sitting on a hasp. Nothing wrong with that at
all. It's the opening, so I want the audience to forget
that everything isn't perfect. So, I get into it. I'm
sitting on a hasp, but all I'm thinking about is selling
the patter. Fine. And they're with me; it's all going
well. And then it's time to slide off the box and start
Okay, so the hasp is back and the hinge of the hasp is on
the front of the box. And I uncross my legs and slide
forward. In a very masculine way, I slide forward to jump
off the box. It's a move I do every night, but never while
sitting on a hasp. So, let's do this slow motion, as I
slide forward, the back of the hasp goes under my body, and
part of my delicate personal parts slide between the box
and the metal. This stops me. It's a very unpleasant
position - if I go forward the hasp goes right up into me,
if I go back, my weight pushes down on the hasp and crushes
the valuables underneath. Hmmmm. I have my arms on either
side and I'm holding myself up like a Russian Olympic
gymnast who happens to be 47 years old, 270 pounds and male.
The solution is to fly straight up and I try that. I had
the will to fly but I couldn't do it (note: use this as an
example when people say "you can do anything you really
want to do").
This is a bad enough situation. I have, shall we say, my
nuts in a hasp, with should be a colloquial, off-color
expression for big
trouble. Goodness. Now add to this that there are
hundreds and hundreds of people watching me. There are 5
or 6 words that should be screamed now, but they aren't
right for the P&T show. I don't know really what to do. I'm
adlibbing in my usual fastest mind in comedy way - "Ow.
I'm stuck on the hasp, it's right . . . oww, I can't get
off it. I can't . . . owww."
I'm going from side to side trying to find a way for my
arms to push me the length of the hasp above the box. I'm
wiggling from side to side. I finally kind of fall off the
box. Now, all I want to do is grab a place that I really
can't grab during the P&T show. Well, actually I grab that
place during Liftoff and the Knife, but now is not the time.
So, I do what any professional entertainer would do: I
move my arms up and down like Yosemite Sam, while saying,
"Ow. I was stuck on the hasp." I have to keep talking, so
I talk about how one shouldn't sit on a hinge and slide
forward, especially if one is a man. I talk about how I
want to grab and check, but I don't think it's right. The
audience may have thought it was entertaining, but they
sure didn't think it was part of the show. So, I did about
a minute and a half on my pain and then went right to where
I left off. I made a few references to "hinge sitting"
over the rest of the show, but that was it.
I'm okay. But, you know, things like this don't happen to
other people. They just don't. It's so hard being the
world's stupidest sober Atheist.